My dad gives terrible advice. Before I left for college he reminded me that the difference between a lobster with tits and a downtown bus stop is that one is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.
Time to lighten the load here:
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How about a few 'Mom Jokes' for the criminole in a skirt, for a change of pace?
"It's spicy: universal Mom Code for 'I don't want to share.' "
"Mom, what's it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?"
"I don't know, ask your grandma!"
"I love it when I find myself screaming 'STOP SCREAMING' at my kids.
That's how I teach them irony."
And one for both the Mom and Bama....
"A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He said, 'Call for backup.' "
"It's spicy: universal Mom Code for 'I don't want to share.' "
"Mom, what's it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?"
"I don't know, ask your grandma!"
"I love it when I find myself screaming 'STOP SCREAMING' at my kids.
That's how I teach them irony."
And one for both the Mom and Bama....
"A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He said, 'Call for backup.' "
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic.Dad: Never said I was a good one.....
Police Dad jokes:
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit?
He had them stumped.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
=====
A bit longer, but I thought it was worth the time....
A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said: "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"
Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"
The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
😂 🤣 😂
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit?
He had them stumped.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
=====
A bit longer, but I thought it was worth the time....
A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said: "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"
Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"
The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
😂 🤣 😂
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My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
It refused to allow the meme, so I had to (edit) write it out instead....
When you have a bladder infection,,,
URINE TROUBLE!
"What did the coffee report to the police?
A mugging."
"What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta."
"Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
Because they work on many levels."
A mugging."
"What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta."
"Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
Because they work on many levels."
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the 'P' is silent.
Because the 'P' is silent.
What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries?
Dead man wok-ing.
I was standing behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said “could you check my balance?
So I pushed him. His balance wasn’t that great.
Dead man wok-ing.
I was standing behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said “could you check my balance?
So I pushed him. His balance wasn’t that great.
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That's the usual quality of help from an un-informed WeWe.... 🙄
Since I'm a Dad, I guess that could pass for a poor Dad joke.... 😉
Since I'm a Dad, I guess that could pass for a poor Dad joke.... 😉
A Rodney Dangerfield Dad Joke, for real....
Rodney - My daughter has been picked up so often that she grew handles on her sides...
Rodney - My daughter has been picked up so often that she grew handles on her sides...
"When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother!"
You think that's bad WeWe???
When the GhostofBRAINLESS was born, his Dad had to tie a pork-chop around his neck, just to get their dog to be around him....
A mosquito’s father became a divorce lawyer.
He was already a bloodsucking parasite, all he needed was a briefcase.
My dad says he loves hunting and prostitutes for the same reason:
“There’s nothing like f--king a quick buck and paying a buck for a quick f--k.”
He’s in jail now...
He was already a bloodsucking parasite, all he needed was a briefcase.
My dad says he loves hunting and prostitutes for the same reason:
“There’s nothing like f--king a quick buck and paying a buck for a quick f--k.”
He’s in jail now...
What's the difference between ^^this girl^^ and a mosquito??
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: “How do you breathe through that little thing?”
(added the iG. "And I bet you can't pick up peanuts with it." 😁
A: “How do you breathe through that little thing?”
(added the iG. "And I bet you can't pick up peanuts with it." 😁
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is.
They ask their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he says, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s a f--king asshole.”
Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is.
They ask their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he says, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s a f--king asshole.”
What did Chris Rock find on his face this morning?
Fresh Prints
Fresh Prints
While Will Smith probably had a very good late night, with breakfast in bed this morning.... 😉 --- 😁
Kinda like the split personality ugly mom that was a dog, but she had a nice pussy....
(I just made that one up...) 😁
I could post some doozies here.......but I'm quite sure you would not be pleased. So out of the respect for our lone female poster, I'll sit this one out. 😊
OK here's one of those Yo-Mama jokes from my archives.....
"Yo Mama so stupid, she saw a sign that said "Airport Left", so she turned around and went back home"
"Yo Mama so stupid, she saw a sign that said "Airport Left", so she turned around and went back home"
“Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street,
I asked her what she was doing,,,, she said "Moving.”
I asked her what she was doing,,,, she said "Moving.”
